A literary-themed Reels popped up on my Insta feed the other day. The account posed this question: “How would famous writers rewrite this sentence in their style?” The sentence? “A bunny was looking for a carrot.”
 | I swiped through the slides, of course, and I suspect you know for whom I was looking. Yep – Emily Dickinson, and surprise, surprise – she was there. However, I wasn’t particularly dazzled with the Dickinson version: A Hop – within – the Clover A Longing – for the – Gold The Root – beneath – the Boulder A Story – yet – untold What do you think? The Reels -- with "rewrites" by other authors like Mark Twain, Oscar Wilde, Kurt Vonnegut and more -- is HERE. |
What did I like? The brevity, the rhythmic pattern, the Dickinsonian capitalization, and the dashes.
What was underwhelming? The overuse– or misuse? – of the dashes (I’m not sure Dickinson would have split so many words with the dashes, and I suspect there would have been one or two at the line breaks); the oversimplified, child-like nature of the lines; the missed opportunity for a slant rhyme.
I thought I’d give it a go, and here’s what I came up with:
As Hemispheres exchange the joining of the day
A keen eye – unabated – pursues the Reward –
And once restored – returns – with leporine speed
To proceed unnoticed – in the daily record –
What do I like about this effort? It’s more complex, and (at least to me) sounds more plausibly Dickinson-esque; the use of the dash is more true to Dickinson’s style; plus, I employed non-standard capitalization – but I didn’t overdo it. I did not mention a carrot, nor did I use “rabbit,” “bunny,” or “hare”; instead, I used “leporine” in line 3 to indicate that I’m talking about a rabbit – thereby implying a carrot as the “Reward” in line 2 (or, I suppose, if not a carrot, something a rabbit would “pursue”). I also played on two common themes of Dickinson’s: the subtle passage of time – in this case from night to day (i.e., the two “Hemispheres” which join the day) and the indifference and disregard of humans to the daily incredible phenomena of nature (in this case, the sunrise and the rabbit). At the end I used a slant rhyme – “Reward” and “record” – and I also used business-like terminology (“the daily record”) to emphasize the monotony of daily life.
What needs improvement? The rhythmic pattern – the twelve-syllable lines (with eleven in line 3) is a bit unusual for Dickinson. I should have strived for 8 - 6 - 8 - 6 (I think I could probably re-work this and come up with two four-line stanzas with fewer poetic feet per line). Also, should I have used the term "rabbit" instead of the obscure "leporine"? I checked the Dickinson lexicon, and she never used "rabbit," "hare," or "bunny," so I thought I'd stick with that practice. Of course, she never used "leporine" either; however, Dickinson possessed a great deal of scientific knowledge, and she would frequently use academic or specialized words which fit the topic.
So what do you think of my version? Should I stick with it, tweak it a bit, or just go back to the drawing board?
What was underwhelming? The overuse– or misuse? – of the dashes (I’m not sure Dickinson would have split so many words with the dashes, and I suspect there would have been one or two at the line breaks); the oversimplified, child-like nature of the lines; the missed opportunity for a slant rhyme.
I thought I’d give it a go, and here’s what I came up with:
As Hemispheres exchange the joining of the day
A keen eye – unabated – pursues the Reward –
And once restored – returns – with leporine speed
To proceed unnoticed – in the daily record –
What do I like about this effort? It’s more complex, and (at least to me) sounds more plausibly Dickinson-esque; the use of the dash is more true to Dickinson’s style; plus, I employed non-standard capitalization – but I didn’t overdo it. I did not mention a carrot, nor did I use “rabbit,” “bunny,” or “hare”; instead, I used “leporine” in line 3 to indicate that I’m talking about a rabbit – thereby implying a carrot as the “Reward” in line 2 (or, I suppose, if not a carrot, something a rabbit would “pursue”). I also played on two common themes of Dickinson’s: the subtle passage of time – in this case from night to day (i.e., the two “Hemispheres” which join the day) and the indifference and disregard of humans to the daily incredible phenomena of nature (in this case, the sunrise and the rabbit). At the end I used a slant rhyme – “Reward” and “record” – and I also used business-like terminology (“the daily record”) to emphasize the monotony of daily life.
What needs improvement? The rhythmic pattern – the twelve-syllable lines (with eleven in line 3) is a bit unusual for Dickinson. I should have strived for 8 - 6 - 8 - 6 (I think I could probably re-work this and come up with two four-line stanzas with fewer poetic feet per line). Also, should I have used the term "rabbit" instead of the obscure "leporine"? I checked the Dickinson lexicon, and she never used "rabbit," "hare," or "bunny," so I thought I'd stick with that practice. Of course, she never used "leporine" either; however, Dickinson possessed a great deal of scientific knowledge, and she would frequently use academic or specialized words which fit the topic.
So what do you think of my version? Should I stick with it, tweak it a bit, or just go back to the drawing board?
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