O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay! Am I right?
Well, normally I would be right, but today’s merriment and mirth has been mired with malice and misfortune.
Blatant harassment of the candy corn culture is nothing new. However, this year, the maltreatment reached a new low when, in late September, podcast host Elon James White tweeted that Donald Trump is the “candy corn of people.”
Candy corn lovers rose in solidarity and demanded an immediate retraction and apology. Mr. White, though, tweeted, “I will not be moved.”
Shortly after White’s callous comment, Candace “Candy” Koren, the Chief Global Implementation Identity Consultant and Regional Paradigm Analyst for the World Candy Corn Congress, in Baden-Baden, Germany, called the TWIB.FM headquarters and demanded to speak to him. She was placed on hold, and she remained on hold for four weeks. Evidently, Mr. White adamantly refused to take her call.
Ms. Koren was undeterred. She held the line and missed her child’s Back-to-School Night. She held the line and did not go home to feed her cats. She held the line and missed four weeks of her bowling league which significantly handicapped her team, the Incredi-Bowls.
Over time, though, Ms. Koren’s health diminished, and reports came to light this weekend that she was feeling shaky and weak. Late Friday, news broke that Ms. Koren had lost consciousness and that she had slipped into a coma.
Now, we have tragic and heartbreaking news to report. Today, October 30, National Candy Corn Day, Candace “Candy” Koren has died. Her last words were, “Yes, I’ll continue to hold for Mr. White.”
Ms. Koren is survived by her five cats, Fronnie, Dunbar, Mozelle, Chairman Meow, and Mr. Meowgi, and by her good friends on her bowling team, Maizie Stump, Bambi LaBrock, Clystine Nitt, Paisley Clapper, and Midge Todenhöffer.