While the country hunkers down in the grips of the coronavirus pandemic -- the very pandemic that Trump knew would be a pandemic before anyone else knew it would be a pandemic (and then he sat on his fat ass and did nothing) -- we thought that we would bring you up-to-date on some unexpected consequences related to this crisis:
1. As the coronavirus moves into West Virginia, grocery stores are reporting significant shortages of corn cobs, pork rinds, & Jim Varney VHS tapes (we have received confirmation of this from Justin Lloyd, Jim Varney’s biographer and nephew; @jimvarneybook on Twitter).
Also this just in: The celebrity pro-am Street Bowling Championship in Morgantown is cancelled, as is the annual Possum Boil in the greater Wheeling area.
Below left: Jim Varney as Ernest in "Social Distance Disease." Below right: Mar-a-lago, now closed, will suffer without daily spraying to control the bedbug infestation there.
2. Multiple pest control companies in Palm Beach, Florida, have had to furlough all of their employees now that Mar-A-Lago has closed.
“This will really have an impact on the economy of Palm Beach,” said Bodean Shifflet, Service Technician for The Miceman Cometh Pest Control Company. “Plus,” he added, “that bedbug infestation at Mar-A-Lago ain’t gonna take care of itself.”
“Just stay calm,” piped in his assistant Ricky Wayne Scruggs, “and they’ll just go away.”
Both then broke into laughter.
3. Speaking of the Mar-A-Lago closure, Senator Lindsey Graham has introduced a bill to the Senate for a million dollar bailout for all Trump hotels and golf courses.
“This is perhaps the most significant bill we can pass during this pandemic – which is really a Democratic hoax,” said Graham.
Mitch McConnell has promised to fast track the bill. "Americans are just too ***ing stupid to see through this," said McConnell.
4. Liquor stores across America report empty shelves in their Tequila aisles.
5. Retiring its false and facetious catchphrase, “Fair and Balanced,” Fox News has announced a new and more fitting motto: “You Can’t Fix Stupid – But You Can Sure FOX It.”
6. Republican Senators – and even the head of the New York Stock Exchange – continue to rake in millions due to insider trading. They are also revoking food stamps and health care for our most needy citizens, and they are hoping to deny access to the poorest Americans of Donald Trump’s “Corona Cash,” his diversionary currency to buy our love.
7. The apocryphal Monkey Gang Wars have begun in Thailand. For information, click HERE.
8. We now get regular updates on the White House’s new Tennis Pavilion.
“Next up,” spurted Third Lady Melania, “we have plans for a polo arena.” She then bared her top for the press pool photographers.
9. WHO announced that the coronavirus can spread through feces, so Depends is working on a protective diaper for President Trump – no so much for him, but for his diaper changers.
10. Sales for Snake Penis Wine have skyrocketed since the Swedish pop-duo “Ry mit Süze” announced the pending release of their music video “Snake Penis Wine (Got Me Feelin' Mighty Fine).
"Det är det perfekta vinet för social distansering," (It's the perfect wine for social distancing) exclaimed Süze Glynnstavssonsohn, one half of the world renowned duo.
Information is HERE.